Sarah Roth Of California Divorce Coaching On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce
Self care — go to yoga, mediate, get a massage, get outside and exercise. Make this a priority!
As a part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” we had the pleasure of interviewing Sarah Roth.
Sarah Roth is a certified Divorce Coach ® located in Marin County, CA. She has clients all over the world that she supports through all phases of divorce from the decision-making process, the initial stages of filing, going through each step of the legal process, mediation, all the way to life after divorce and building out your next chapter. Sarah coaches clients all over the world helping them manage all aspects of the process from making decisions, to managing peaceful communication, preparing for court/mediation and everything in between.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I grew up in a very stable and loving home in Marin County, California with both of my parents and two older siblings. I am grateful for having had two parents that would do anything for us and supported us through all the twists and turns of life. My parents were big outdoor enthusiasts, so all of our weekends and vacations were spent hiking, biking and camping in various state and national parks. To this day, if I need some “me” time, I make sure to get outside and go for a walk or mountain bike ride to clear my head and find inspiration and gratitude. During the height of COVID, I really focused on self-care to get through all the stress and anxiety and just getting outside every day had a profound impact on my mental well-being.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I went through a high conflict divorce about 13 years ago when I had a 1 and a 3-year-old. It was one of the scariest, anxiety provoking and intense periods of my life. I found myself raising two children by myself, working full time and going through a very long custody battle (4 years!). I got through it all, ended up with full custody and created an amazing life for myself and my children! For all the stress and drama that I went through, I wanted to use what I had learned and help support other people going through high conflict divorces. I started by connecting with other moms in my local mother’s group who reached out to me and then during COVID when everyone was on lockdown, I decided it was time to do Divorce Coaching for real. I took a 6 month certification course and found this amazing network of other coaches and learned a framework for coaching so that I can best support my clients during one of the most stressful periods of their lives. I took a horrible situation that I went through and used what I learned and saw how much personal growth I had achieved and wanted to help others so that they could come out the other side feeling empowered and with the confidence to move on with their lives and create an amazing next chapter post-divorce!
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
I had a client come to me determined to get divorce. She was done — no going back. We worked together for a bit before she told her husband she wanted out. He moved out, she was feeling like everything was better and she could breathe. They started talking and had some breakthrough conversations and the next thing I know, she called and said they were going to give it another whirl. He moved back in, and they are so happy and in love! It opened a pandora’s box where they both had to face their issues and they both stepped up to make things right and truly owned their part in things and rebuilt the foundation together. It is truly beautiful to see their love and success.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I use Venmo for clients to make payments and with a new client instead of sending them a request for payment, I paid them for over $700! I had to let her know what happened and ask her to reimburse me and then pay me for the session package. I learned to slow down and pay attention to what I am doing when using Venmo (and every other payment app!).
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“Divorce is not a failure”
I don’t view my divorce or anyone else’s as a failure. It is a period of self-discovery and a new beginning. It is ok that your relationship didn’t work out and it is up to you how you choose to move forward and build something full of meaning and purpose for yourself.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am working on doing more writing and adding more blog posts to my website for others to read and hopefully, get some nuggets of information from. A lot of the work I do with clients is around creating and enforcing boundaries and clear communication. I plan to write some articles that will be helpful for folks to refer to.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
I have learned that when you have been in a marriage with an unbalance of power, where one person wields more control, that it is very hard to have a happy and successful marriage. To have a peaceful marriage there needs to be mutual respect, trust and a balance of “power”. When I refer to power that means — equal decision-making authority, equal access to financial information, sharing information and being open, honest and giving to one another. When that balance is off, one spouse can become resentful, untrusting and feel powerless. When I met my current husband, I realized that this balance, a true partnership, was what I had been missing all along in all of my relationships. We have built (this is a second marriage for us both) a foundation of trust, we can be our authentic selves (good or bad!) and we share everything — no secrets. Neither one of us has more control over things than the other and we talk through any issues and if there are disagreements, we always sort it out, usually ending up laughing about it in the end. One of the greatest gifts in coaching is seeing my clients find their voice, strength and empowerment. I have seen so many of my clients get to a place of having more control over their lives and where they are able to stand up for themselves and their needs. It is so freeing for them and so necessary to be able to move forward. This is something I went through as well during my divorce and as I set firm boundaries and continued to fight for what was right, I learned how much strength I really had and that if I could get through this high conflict custody battle, I could get through anything!
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
Putting their children in the middle of the divorce. Saying things like “your dad won’t let me see you” or “your mom is lying” or “it is all your mom’s fault” and yelling at one another in front of the kids. The kids will remember, and they feel like they must choose sides. Keep whatever anger or negative emotions or comments you have about your ex-spouse away from your children. They will thank you later.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
I have a lot of clients who are so fearful, filled with anxiety and unable to move forward especially when they have been in an abusive relationship. One of the most amazing transformations and positive outcomes is when I see these clients flourish and find their strength, power and voice. When someone has been in an abusive relationship, especially with a narcissist, they often have spent years being blamed for everything that has gone wrong and told that everything is their fault. When I work with clients, we do a lot of work around this and recognizing what we can control and what we cannot control. We can control how we set boundaries and how we behave but we cannot control how others act. It is truly amazing to see my client’s resilience when dealing with a hostile ex-partner and where in the past their reactions would have been highly emotional, they would have responded with nasty emails, etc and now they recognize the it is a toxic cycle that they need to break and they are able to do it with confidence! They don’t respond to the threats or nasty comments and do their best to recognize it for what it is and refuse to partake in it. The look of pride when they share how they have changed how they communicate and respond to their partners fills my heart with joy. They see the change and I can see how much calmer and “freer” they are as they have set their boundaries, regained their voice and have a sense of empowerment.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
I too was terrified! I dated for several years, not really finding anyone worth keeping around. I had one serious relationship that lasted about 2 years but was not meant to be. Two weeks after we broke up, I met my now husband through a dating app! This was 6 years post-divorce. It was an instant connection, and the timing was perfect. We both had been divorced long enough to mostly recover and had the time to work on ourselves and truly know what we were looking for in a new partner. I think taking the time to heal, do the work (therapy, therapy, therapy!) and build up your confidence so that you can move forward and find the person you are meant to be with is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Just because you were in a marriage that didn’t work doesn’t mean you are broken or that you will end up in another bad relationship! Follow your gut and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Your mindset. Often we get stuck in a negative “spin cycle” of thoughts. Change the narrative and focus on the positive. Anything is possible!
If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
- Self care — go to yoga, mediate, get a massage, get outside and exercise. Make this a priority!
- Get your finances in order — get a financial planner/CDFAto help you plan your budget and ensure you are able to live within your means.
- Be social! It is really easy to stay home with a glass of wine and Netflix. Make plans with friends, family. Get dressed up, go out for dinner, see a concert, get your groove back!
- Travel — plan several small trips and one big one to take every year. Put together a list of your top 10 destinations and start checking them off each year.
- Have no regrets! Living with regret is emotionally draining. Focus on your future and make actionable plans. Is there a hobby you have always wanted to pursue or used to do but gave up due to lack of time/spouse wasn’t interested, etc? Have you always wanted to learn guitar, swing dancing or skiing? Start doing it! Live with intention and without regret.
The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
Things happen — it is what we do with it, how we grow and learn from our negative experiences that make them a positive. How can you take what you have learned about yourself and turn it into something positive? No one wants to go through a divorce — it is incredibly painful, anxiety provoking and expensive! But, if you can get through to the other side and step outside of it all, see that you did your best and took the high road and that, in the end, you are still an amazing person with so much more to do and contribute to the world, then you are going to be more than good. If you put positive energy into your future, good things will come.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Yes! I actually wrote a blog a while back with a list of my top 10 books related to divorce. Here is the link to my blog post and here are some of my favorites:
Divorcing a Narcissist, One Mom’s Battle by Tina Swithin
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum
BIFF for Coparent Communication (Your guide to difficult co-parent texts, emails and social media posts) by Bill Eddy
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
The movement would be around dealing with narcissistic abuse and how use boundaries to protect yourself.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Gwyneth Paltrow — she managed to have a high-profile divorce and do it all with dignity and love and by taking the high road. The way she and Chris Martin took the best interests not only of each other but of their children and are able to all continue to share special moments together is beautiful and something that I think everyone should strive for if possible.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
